高中英语作文教学的有效反馈(7)

Do’s Don’ts
1．待人礼貌 1．避免不得体的言行
2．坚守岗位 2．不忘履行自己的职责
3．介绍中国历史和文化 3．不损害祖国的形象
注意：1、不要简单翻译所给要点。
2、可适当发挥。
3、词数120---150。
蔡燕红9月11日的初稿：
It is reported that about ten thousand volunteers will serve the 2010 Shanghai World Expo. What volunteers ought to do and what they ought not to do should be discussed.
Firstly, politeness can make a lasting impression on foreigners. Secondly, to stick to the duty is our responsibility. Thirdly, our country is famous for long history and culture. So we should introduce it to the people all over the world.
In addition, something that can damage the image of our country ought not to be done. That is, unproper words should be avoid. Last but not least, don’t forget our duty.
In a word, only volunteers know what they can do and what they can’t do, the 2010 Shanghai World Expo will be held successfully. (125 words)
笔者对此初稿的评论：It is good that you have covered almost all the main points listed in the table. However, it would be better if you could try using more complex sentences so that your composition would read more smoothly and in a more logical way.
9月17日的修改稿：
It is said that about ten thousand volunteers will be chosen to serve the 2010 Shanghai World Expo. What should they do and what shouldn’t they do?
Firstly, volunteers ought to be polite to others and avoid some improper words because politeness can make a lasting impression on foreigners. Secondly, volunteers should stick to their duty and not to forget it. Thirdly, China has a long history and is rich in culture, which should be introduced to people all over the world in order that the world will know our country. In addition, something that can damage the image of our motherland ought not to be done.
In a world, volunteers should do their best to help hold a successful Expo in 2010.
(123 words)
笔者对此修改稿的评论：Better! This time you have tried to use some conjunctions such as “because, which and in order that”, which made your essay more smooth and logic. Moreover, more rich and proper words are applied in the essay like “will be chosen to serve, improper, is rich in”, which adds to the beauty of this article.
在此过程性写作中，评论的有效性体现在：一、学生在初稿中基本上用的都是简单句，即使在最后总结段中她用了复杂句，倒装的句式也是错误的。而在修改稿中，学生尝试着用 “because”引导的原因状语从句, “which”引导的非限制性定语从句，及 “in order that”引导的目的状语从句等，使文章读上去逻辑性更强。二、学生在修改稿中的用词更恰当丰富。如： “will be chosen to serve, improper, is rich in” 等。
4月8日作文题目：北京市政府在奥运会期间，规定私家车每周限行一天，收到了良好的效果。上海市政府是否应该在2010年世博会期间效仿北京的做法？请你谈谈对这个问题的看法和理由。

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